Internet, I'm going to Jackson Hole! For a whole week, I'll be trading spreadsheets for shredding! My cramped cubicle for the Rocky Mountains! Very very excited...
Don't worry, internet! I'll come back with lots of lovely pictures! Like the one I found on the Jackson Hole website, by the very talented and hopefully not at all litigious Darrell Miller... why, hello Mr. Miller! Look how I clearly noted your ownership of this image. And before you get too worked up, blame the webmaster. I'm not the one who left all the photos unlocked, for just any unscrupulous blogger to steal when she felt the urge...
So leading up to my marvelous week of freedom, I've had another busy week of work, work, work! and hating my butt and thighs. And stomach, and possibly my chin. You know, typical girly stuff.
It's actually kind of ironic - judging by the way my clothing fits, I'm in the worst shape of my life. Yet, in my sporadic visits to the gym, I perform better than I ever have - at least since I rowed crew in college, and really that was more a result of bullying than personal motivation. (Seriously, you have no idea how mean those little coxswains can be. Napoleon complex doesn't even start to describe them...) How the hell can my legs be flabbier AND faster? I mean, all the jiggling and thigh-rubbing has to be dragging and causing unnecessary friction. Though I have been known to wear some seriously supportive spandex pants, which perhaps sculpt my thighs into a more aerodynamic shape.
Before you give me some well-meaning and probably completely correct dieting advice, you need to understand that not only do I have the willpower of a 5 yr old Cookie Monster, I am an angry dieter. As soon as my blood sugar dips in the slightest, I start acting like there is some worldwide conspiracy to deny me HoHos and you are all a part of it. Carrot sticks sans fattening dip (ie, rabbit food) simply makes me hungrier (at least until I eat half a bag, then I'm just sick). I tried not to snack for about a month, until I almost killed my boyfriend for suggesting that waiting 15min for a table wasn't the end of the world. IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD, YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME ON PURPOSE, AND WHY AM I NOT AT MCDONALD'S STUFFING MY FACE WITH FRENCH FRIES?!
So while I am attempting to eat better (just learned that Cool Ranch Doritos are not a food group! so perhaps I don't need to eat them daily), I still need to eat every two hours, and whoever withholds the chocolate chip cookies is a dead man. 'Grazing', as they call it, is supposed to be a healthy way of eating, but I imagine those experts meant it in the literal sense where you are eating grass or carrot sticks or other assorted foods which taste like the ground. Certainly not something so verboten as a muffin. Also they measure out these impossibly small portions, like you would really be full after eating 4 almonds. Do you think that if I had the anorexic tendencies allowing me to stop after half an apple, I would still be overweight?! My hair may be red, but that does not make me Lindsay Lohan. Freaks.
So as you can see, my only real option is some serious gym time. I do honestly like working out, but not more than sleep or sitting on my ass, and there is only 24hrs in a day and I waste like 12 at work. I need a motivating factor which overrides the short-term pleasure of spending that extra 30min in bed and which is more instantaneous than actual weight loss... but I have a hard time with reward systems. I know people promise themselves things - if I work really hard, I'll buy myself that shiny ring - but my head doesn't play that game. I know I can buy the ring now because, who's going to stop me? Me? Pfft! Don't make me laugh. I know where I keep that credit card.
But of course, that thinking is what's allowed me to run out the limit on my (thankfully puny) credit card, so perhaps this will work... financial discipline combined with working out reward system - I'll pick a big ticket item that I desperately need, can't live without - and can't buy until I've worked out 5 days a week for 5 weeks in a row. We'll call it Project 5x5, and I'll keep you updated on my progress. But no need to be scared - there will be no gross pictures of my cellulite, because this is not Cosmo and I do still have the remaining shreds of my dignity to consider. And... ew.
Of course the risk is I will spend all my money on small-ticket items in my usual attempt to find happiness through consumption (I was taking all those grad econ courses, after all). But should I follow the plan correctly, either I'll end up richer or thinner (with nicer clothes!), and it would be nice to achieve at least one of those things while still in my 20s. Since I've already dedicated my 30s to world domination, either outcome would be helpful.
love the part about "will power of a five y/o cookie monster". how perfectly worded...i love it!
Posted by: Ren | March 16, 2006 at 04:34 PM