Learning to Share

My mother tells me that when I was young, I refused to 'share' any of my toys with my friends. Sensing I was embarking down the path to social isolation (no one likes the kid who hoards her Barbies), she pulled me aside and told me while I might have a few toys that were 'special', I needed to learn to share the others.

I'm sure I nodded my little 5 yr old head, and Mom went off feeling she had herded her darling back onto the righteous path. Until my next playdate, when she caught me taking back all the toys the other girl picked up, because they were 'special'. In fact, it turned out that all my belongings were 'special'. I was one special little princess, and even now my family refers to me as the Queen of Everything. (They even got me a pillow that says so.)

I've gotten better about the sharing (though I still don't think that whole 'family-style' serving is normal - if I had wanted whatever the hell you got on your plate, I'd have ordered it, so back off - but dating an Asian man for four years, you learn to accept it) but every so often I revert back to my 5 yr old self. Especially with strangers, I've totally got that Yankee suspicion thing going... as in, what is wrong with you, that you are talking to me and I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? That is NOT ALLOWED, and you are obviously a psycho freak. Give me a sawed off shotgun and a peephole to stick it through, and I'd be totally at home.

Today, while in my happy little commuting world (iPod! Tabloid! A SEAT ON THE TRAIN! It doesn't get much better...) I was rudely awakened by my neighbor, who was pawing at my magazine and jabbering away. After getting over the shock that someone was TALKING TO me (rather than ranting at), I fumbled with my headphones and was blown away: she was upset because I turned the page before SHE was finished reading it. Let's recap this subway faux pas:

1. She admitted to reading over my shoulder. This is a cardinal sin among NYC commuters, who try to pretend that the person pressed up against their ass doesn't exist, let alone carry reading material.
2. She then informed me that I was not allowing her to properly inconvenience me, by reading MY magazine at MY pace WHILE TRYING TO IGNORE HER EXISTENCE AND THAT OF THE 50 OTHER PEOPLE PRESSED UP AGAINST ME, JESUS, DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE A CLAUSTROPHOBIC EPISODE WHILE ON THIS DAMN EXPRESS TRAIN THAT WENT FUCKING LOCAL DURING RUSH HOUR B/C LIFE SUCKS AND THEN YOU DIE?!
3. Her tone of voice made it clear that, GOD, what was wrong with me that I didn't understand I was supposed to share my magazine with complete strangers and FLIP THE PAGE WHEN THEY WERE DAMN WELL READY?!

Mom, don't despair. While I held firm to the fact that it was my God-given RIGHT to fold my trashy tabloid any way I please (this is AMERICA, people! Freedom! Democracy! Personal property rights!), after a bit I felt kinda mean denying her a little celebrity gossip at the end of a hard day. While I was far too stubborn to turn back the page to let her finish reading the latest exploits of Brangelina (because it was MY 'special' magazine! MINE!), I did tilt the magazine in her direction and read extra slowly, so she too could learn that Keira's favorite personal attribute was her rock-hard stomach.

I may just get the hang of this sharing thing yet.

In other news...

REUTERS: What are your rights? 'D'oh'

Most Americans have an easier time naming members of the cartoon Simpson family than listing the five freedoms granted by the nation's founders, a survey by a museum released on Wednesday said.

I am so the worst poli sci major ever - seriously, my first try was the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Which would be from, uh... an entirely different document. But, yes, I can name all of the Simpsons (Ashley, Jessica and Nick, right?) and probably most of the supporting characters. Go American public schools!

REUTERS: Palestinian eyes alcohol-free beer after Hamas win

Palestinian brewer Nadim Khoury, far from going out of business after Hamas Islamists won an election landslide, is preparing a new product -- non-alcoholic beer.

Khoury said his brewery would put a green label on bottles instead of the gold one on regular Taybeh beer. The reason? The green flag of Hamas.

I don't know about you, but hearing that the political win of Hamas has inspired a new beer puts me a little at ease... I mean, how much terrorism are you really going to get up to, once you have the alternative of kicking back with a cold one? Getting that worked up about the infidels takes effort, man! Pretty soon American companies will get wind of this, and all those would-be martyrs will be partying it up with green-shirted Budweiser girls instead.

Ah, the spread of American values is such a beautiful thing...

SLATE: The President's Indian Fantasy - The rash nukes pledge is typical of Bush's strategic shortsightedness.

I honestly think that sometimes, President doesn't even try. We may not be at war with India, and yes, they are a land of opportunity, but gee, couldn't we think about this one little gosh-darned minute before we start handing over the nuclear materials? This would be the country we worried would end up destroying a large part of the world through its reckless arms race with Pakistan, like, last year. Oh, and by the way, there's all these international treaties and American laws which forbid this, but why would they apply here? As leader of the free world, you should be able to hand out nukes willy-nilly as you feel like it. Because you should never, ever worry they might get pointed back at YOU.

Are you listening, Mr. President? I don't want to hear one more PEEP about your right to illegally wiretap American citizens... because if you can't even be trusted to secure America's nuclear material, what on Earth do you hope to accomplish here? Figure out when someone has commandeered American bomb-making materials, and loves the irony of vaporising us with it? Idiot.

Well... now that I know our President has such a tight grip on national security, I can finally sleep at night. Sweet dreams, internet!

Comments

[Massander]

Umm.. Was "The right not to share" in there?? Did you already get that? I think you did... I have a question - this comes up every time I see one of these articles about how stupid Americans are: does it freakin' matter that some people listed rights from a different ammendment? Everyday folks simply care about their basic rights. They don't care if it was in the first or the 4th ammendment. I don't see the point. Elitist bastards... (I'm one of those elitist bastards at times, but let's not focus on that right now)

So yeah, I think some folks share a bit TOO easily. Like my coworkers who just met and start sipping from the same phucking straw!! I'm sorry, but I don't like to share my backwash unless I'm also kissing you.

[Heather B.]

Wait, someone (a stranger on the subway) actually told you not to turn the page because s/he was not yet finished reading it? You punched the culprit correct?

[Sweet]

I knew you didn't dig the family style set-up, but hot diggity lady, share the gossip. People are always impressed at how quick I am to share--being an only child, they have this preconception that I would be unwilling to do so--except for my toothbrush, underwear, and roll-on, I'll share anything. I wish people would keep their diseases to themselves though. Alright this is your blog, I'm going to stop rambling and go write in mine...on sharing!