alidancer

Anger Management

So this morning... not so good.

Woke up on time. So much on time, in fact, that I decided to reward myself with a little snooze-button action. Just a little bit - just once. Then I would get up.

Now running 15min late. DAMN THE SNOOZE. DAMN YOU AND YOUR SEDUCTIVE SLEEP CALL.

Run around and get ready. Realize it is not responsible to drop a small fortune daily for a creamy delicious Starbucks latte when have perfectly functional, easy-to-use coffee maker at home.

(Ignore obvious fact that $20/lb coffee pods are way more expensive than Starbucks... coffee from home avoids the temptation of yummy, fat-laden pastries.)

(In fact, cost does not matter - look, we can make coffee-pods at home with secret tricks of coffee pod creation conveniently discovered online! That's right, we're kickin' it Martha-style...)

(And when I say 'we', I mean 'Heron'. I'm not, like, crafty.)

(Why does this article make so many jokes about Senseo explosions? Exploding kitchen appliances are NOT FUNNY.)

(Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right...)

So, I realized that while the coffee maker had maybe 3 buttons and therefore would be hard to fuck up, it was also before 7:00 AM and pre-coffee. Must proceed very carefully...

(How ironic is it that in order to GET coffee, you must first operate heavy machinery? Machinery which should carry a warning label: WARNING DO NOT ATTEMPT BEFORE CAFFEINE?)

(Literary types might call this foreshadowing.)

Ali's Coffee-Making Process

1. Look for coffee maker. Coffee maker - check.
2. Look for pods. Coffee pods - check.
3. Pods are NON-CAFFEINATED. WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE COFFEE WITHOUT CAFFEINE?! WHAT IS THE POINT?! Look for pods WITH CAFFEINE, dammit.
4. Still looking for caffeinated coffee pods. WTF?! Is this the Twilight Zone?
5. Finally... caffeinated coffee pods - check. (And all is right with the world.)
6. Add water.
7. Lots of water, just in case. Not really sure how much is necessary. Attach water holder back on machine.
8. Look at that! Little marks, telling you how much water is needed! Little marks... way, waaaayy below the current level of water. Fear explosions of scalding water; pour water out.
9. Try to fit travel coffee mug under spout. (Don't understand why Heron always uses a regular coffee mug when you then have to put it in travel mug in order to, you know, travel with it? Tsk! Such waste!)
10. Travel mug doesn't fit. Use regular mug.
11. All ready... time to press the button!
12. Nothing happens. Press button again.
13. I am PRESSING the button with the PICTURE OF A COFFEE MUG on it... and yet, nothing happens.
14. Oh - haha! Coffee maker is not on. Turn coffee maker on. Now press little cup button.
15. Coffee maker is making funny hissing sounds! It's ALIVE!
16. But where is the coffee? Press little cup button again...
17. Coffee is coming out! ... and uh, spraying the entire kitchen... what happened?! Try desperately to catch spurting coffee with coffee mug...

Yes, my life is a network sitcom. After mopping up the spilled coffee (thank God I hadn't pressed the button with TWO coffee mugs), I figured it out: apparently there is a little plastic piece whose sole purpose is to assure that the coffee spurts in a lovely, controlled fashion into the cup, rather than anywhere but. And - you guessed it! - I did not, in fact, insert the little plastic piece into the coffee maker. Grrr...

Now, most people happening upon an angry Ali, mopping up spilled coffee WHICH MEANS SHE COULD NOT DRINK IT before 7:00 AM, would wisely say nothing. But Heron is a boy, and in typical male fashion, began to lecture me about the appropriate use of said coffee maker. Since I had done almost everything (mostly) right, with just one small mistake AND DEAR LORD DID I MENTION IT WAS BEFORE 7 O' CLOCK IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MORNING... I may have over-reacted a tiny bit. Which lead to a large argument about the exact level of coffee the mug was supposed to contain and exactly how much my mug differed and whether I should make another cup of coffee... until I realized it was now after 7:00 AM and I was officially VERY LATE. And so I stomped off to the gym.

If you made it this far into this long-ass entry, you may have the feeling that this morning I was extraordinarily (and a bit irrationally) angry. You would be correct. I fumed the entire subway ride, playing angry shouting music on my iPod (in order to properly heighten and sustain the anger). I marched all the way to the gym door, fully intending to open that gym door with the energy and purpose which suited my irrational mood and angry shouting music, and then go POUND THE HECK out of the nearest treadmill, because that would show the world not to mess with me! Yeah!

Too late. The door, which is very heavy and solid, had already met its match earlier in the day. The thick metal handle was torn almost fully off; so I pulled it open very gingerly, and quickly slid through. The girl at the desk, noting my inquisitive (and slightly scared) look, spoke up. "That happened this morning. Apparently the guy from the laundry service, who delivers the towels, is kinda brutal and angry."

Lesson of the day? Don't mess with the man who delivers the towels, because... damn.

Weekly News Gimmick

That's right, bitches. You all thought this was over, that I pussied out and decided reviewing the news (hell, even reading it) was too much work... and therein lay your mistake. I lulled you into a false sense of security, so you would never see it coming...

AND NOW I SPRING INTO ACTION! RAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

NY TIMES: U.S. Rejects Truce Offer From bin Laden

Mr. bin Laden offered the American people a vague truce, saying "both sides can enjoy security and stability under this truce so we can build Iraq and Afghanistan."

Sounds like bin Laden hired a PR team to manage his image as a 'compassionate jihadist'. Good thing Cheney's around to help America resist his pitch.

NY TIMES: N.Y. Transit Workers Reject Deal That Ended 3-Day Strike
ALI IS ANGRY! NO LIKE WORKING 12-HR DAYS! NO LIKE FORCED WATCHING OF NY1! GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!

Personal feelings aside... I feel as if I'm back in Paris, only without the tasty croissants. The deal worked out after the first stretch of hell was quite good - pension reform pulled off the table, increased raises, etc... even with the growling of the few crazies on the Union board, everyone was sure it would pass in a landslide. Considering that another strike not even a month after the last will most likely drive NYers into a homicidal rage... what exactly do the workers hope to accomplish? Do they seriously believe another strike will elicit raises of 10% a year AND a return to free healthcare? Possibly they are holding out for each union member to be given their very own pony?

WARNING TO POTENTIAL PICKETERS: Waving around signs with pro-union slogans may have approximately the same adverse health affects as flapping a red flag in front of a herd of angry bulls.

NY TIMES: Ivorian Leader Urges Youths to End Anti-U.N. Protests

"We don't listen to anybody," said George Kassi, 19, as he hoisted as a stone to throw at the headquarters of the United Nations mission. "We want the complete liberation of Ivory Coast. I won't go home until the U.N. and France leave my country."

It's amazing to contemplate that until recently Cote d'Ivoire was considered a prosperous and stable nation, mostly due to its special relationship with its former colonizer, France. Current events now show that leaders incite the masses at their peril - what started as a winning tactic may now prove to be the government's (and possibly the country's) downfall.

CNN: Nagin apologizes for 'chocolate' city comments
Was the good mayor of New Orleans this wacked out before Katrina, or is his behavior the manifestation of some bizarre allergy to TV cameras? Let's break down this PR disaster...

1. A God reference gone wrong. Politicians invoke God's name during a crisis in order to assure the troops that He is on our side. Apparently, Nagin's way of doing so is by informing the nation that God caused a flood in New Orleans because He was angry with black people. With elected leaders like this, who needs Pat Robertson?
2. The obvious. When Nagin used the term "Chocolate City", he wasn't refering to the color of the melting pot. But in case there was confusion, he goes on to clarify: "I don't care what people are saying Uptown or wherever they are... This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be." Yup... that's about as clear as it gets.
3. An 'explanation' more ridiculous than the original statement. In politics you never misspeak, you are misunderstood. Again, you may think Nagin's remarks are nothing if not clear... But not according to Nagin's 'apology': “How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about."

Milk in the chocolate, now I get it! Whites and blacks, all mixed together in a delicious harmony... And maybe we can add some chilis for the Hispanics? Curry for the Indians? Soy sauce for the Asians? Or maybe we can cut with the shitty metaphors, and you'll go get yourself a speechwriter already?

GUARDIAN: Bored meetings - First on the agenda: are meetings too long?

"We propose that despite the fact that meetings may help to achieve work-related goals, having too many meetings and spending too much time in meetings per day may have negative effects on the individual."

Especially when you attend meetings like these. Preachin' to the choir, my academic friends!

SLATE: The Mystery of the Rude Waiter - Why my favorite restaurant employs such a churlish lout.
I like the second half of the article, where the author explains the concept of dumbing down an excellent product (and spending to do so) in order to provide to the low-end market. I've often wondered why IBM would have its engineers do extra work on a product to slow down its processing speed, then sell it for cheaper - why not simply sell the existing product? But the reasoning makes sense:

IBM could have specifically designed a low-end printer rather than crippling the high-end one, but that would have been more expensive and would have helped nobody. Or IBM could have slashed prices to business customers despite finding willing buyers at high prices, but this seems beyond the call of duty for a profit-making company. Or IBM could have passed up the opportunity to serve low-end customers altogether. That would have been no better.

But in reference to the first half - there is a bubble tea shop where the waiters are so rude, it is necessary to catch one with a running tackle to have your order taken... yet my friends and I regularly return since the tea is good, the prices cheap and the location convenient. So the real question is: where the hell is this restaurant,  where "the veal ragu is rich but you don't have to be"? No matter how rude, 'Igor' would certainly be no obstacle to foodies struggling with NYC prices...

REUTERS: Condom-capped Madonna embarrasses Catholic weekly

An advertisement for a statue of the Virgin Mary veiled in a condom has embarrassed the publishers of the U.S. Catholic magazine America, and prompted some heated comment on Catholic Web sites... Another issue may be Catholic priests' unfamiliarity with what condoms look like.

Now, please answer the questions in the following survey:

1. Can you find the condom in this picture?
2. Was sex ed mandated in your high school?

Meeting Minutes

First of all, I should clarify something: as a government employee currently assigned to 8 projects, I attend a lot of meetings. I had 5 meetings today (and not little girlie meetings, either - I'm talking at least one full hour each, filled with powerpoint presentations and excel spreadsheets), and that not even particularly heavy; on a good day, I could hit maybe 7 or 8 without breaking a sweat.

I am a meeting machine. When it comes to sustained, on-the-spot bouts of analysis, deliberation and pontification, I am at the top of my game.

Which is why, when I say this meeting today was a meeting to end all meetings, understand I know what I am talking about. If there were meeting award ceremonies, this meeting would totally win an Emmy.

In the horror category, of course.

MEETING MINUTES

2:00 PM
People arrive. Chit chat ensues. Many award-winning performances, as people valiantly pretend to like each other.

2:02 PM
Chit chat dies.

2:05 PM
Dawning realization that the two executives, for whom this meeting was called, have not arrived.

2:10 PM
Crucial executives are definitely not coming. Everyone else agrees that without these two executives, the meeting has no point.

2:18 PM
Attendees continue to discuss how really, this meeting has absolutely, positively, no point whatsoever.

2:23 PM
Though clearly this meeting has absolutely no reason for being, participants agree to hold the meeting regardless since "what the hell, we are already here with powerpoint presentations."

2:26 PM
First catfight breaks out, as two mid-level executives duke it out in the blame game. A high-level executive calms things down by heavily condescending to all involved. Much glowering from both sides of the table.

2:30 PM
High-level executive realizes he holds the floor, and proceeds to condescend to the room at large. Other attendees contemplate killing him with the staples in their powerpoint presentations.

2:35 PM
Condescension continues. Sudden understanding as to why missing execs never showed.

2:38 PM
High-level executive interrupts himself mid-rant, and attempts to steer the meeting towards a completely unrelated topic he just remembered.

2:48 PM
Discussion continues on completely unrelated topic. Lead project analyst realizes that the presentation, itself a product of 3 meetings, 2 conference calls and numerous emails, has not been touched. Considers suicide by papercut.

2:52 PM
Mid-level exec throws an end-of-meeting curveball. Second catfight breaks out, as execs scramble to blame someone else.

2:59 PM
Attendees finally notice the presentation. They wave assorted diagrams accusingly in each others' faces. High-level executive soars to new heights in condescension, insulting at least half the table with each breath.

3:15 PM
Meeting ends, as participants agree once more that really, nothing could be accomplished without the missing execs. Plans are made to schedule a new meeting.

Meeting Personalities

Working on a project with another organization, I frequently attend meetings with Persons A and B.

Person A violently dislikes change. Though fully comprehending the fact that her group is not, in fact, even coming close to meeting demand, she does not see why this requires change. So they are inefficient - they care about the customer! Understand them! Form a special bond! (Well, not with those losers who hang up because of the insane wait time. Quitters.) Not that she doesn't appreciate how life can be improved by technology - give her some of that. So long as nothing requires, you know, change.

Person B is a little more tolerant - too tolerant, one might say. She sits back and nods, as if Person A is making sense. Person A does not make sense - Jerry Falwell is more open-minded. If Person A was in charge, humankind would still be sitting in the dark since golly gee, we haven't thought this fire thing through all the way... and people were doing just fine huddling up for warmth, you know, 30% of the group may have frozen to death but those who survived formed a real personal bond, and that is what's important. (And the 30%? Totally quitters. Deserved to die.)

You sit in the meeting, and try to control fingers itching to strangle every last objection in Person A's little scrawny throat... thinking: Are you there God? It's me, Alison. Please strike this woman where she sits, blocking all hope of project progress. Or at least have her call in sick for the next meeting. Or ten. Perhaps she could come down with some chronic diarhhea? A violent allergy to powerpoint presentations?

Person A goes on vacation at last... and Person B refuses to schedule a meeting without her. Fume silently at the injustice of wasting this God-given opportunity...

But what's this?! You arrive at the meeting, and A is still on vacation?! Person B is suddenly reasonable - there is negotiation! Consensus! Linear arguments! B even hints at the possibility of the Holy Grail... project sign-off. Heaven!

Happily skipping away after a <gasp!> productive meeting, you feel all is right with the world. But, down the corridor lined with filing cabinets, a dark figure lurks. Person A looks straight at you - and suddenly darts around the corner to hide in a nearby cubicle. Repeat, A, a grown woman twice your age, is hiding. Because apparently this is the appropriate action in the situation.

1. Who the hell are these people?!
2. And must they always be in my meetings?!

I Resolve...

... to never, ever let so much time go by without posting. Really, I feel shamed.

Hi, internet people - remember me? Remember how, when this all started, I would post, like, daily? Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day? Streams of regularly-updated wit flooding your screen?

(Hello? Are you still there?)

Well, at that point of my life was what we like to call 'hell'. During this hell, I had a stressful job compounded by a stressful semester and was just one big ball of crazy. The logical response was to procrastinate from schoolwork and release the crazy back into the wild world of the internet.

But then the semester ended, and everyone at work went on vacation. And the crazy subsided. But since I am a procrastinator by nature, I needed to, you know, put off something. So while I totally meant to post, I came home night after night and watched DVDs of E.R. and Sports Night instead.

But I can no longer put it off... whether you measure it by midnight on December 31st, or by the passing of another birthday, a new year has begun. I must at least pretend to become a better person! So, regular posting, and I've been going to the gym. A few more resolutions I thought up while commuting...

1. Never take the subway for granted again. Trains! Yay!
2. Make better 'security' decisions. Heron bought me an iPod Nano (!) for my birthday, and while love-love-loving it, I need to buy me some ugly-ass headphones for everyday wear. Because walking around with the 'rob-me-white' kind is just not smart. In fact, I'm already kinda rob-me-white myself, so no need to advertise the carrying of expensive gadgetry.
3. Make more responsible spending decisions. Specifically, my goal is to keep the debt on my credit card below my IQ level. Judging from what I've been blowing money on, I'm thinking that's not terribly high.
4. Be more assertive. Now, I am no shrinking violet, but neither do I really stand up for myself all the times I should. Last Saturday night, I was out with some friends to celebrate my birthday. But the restaurant had 'accidentally' cancelled our reservation, and we waited another 45 min with no sign of a table. Normally, I would (a) fume silently until we were seated, or (b) stomp off to another restaurant without saying anything. This time, however, I marched right up to the host and let him know he was ruining my birthday, so I was taking my custom elsewhere. And we all skipped off to a lovely dinner on Curry Row, thinking nothing more would come of it. But the next day, guess what? Heron had a long, apologetic phone message from one of the restaurant owners, offering us a free dinner! We went back on Tuesday and were treated to a delicious three course meal, complete with drinks. Lesson learned? Being bitchy = free food! How did it take me 26 yrs to learn this?
5. ...but perhaps not at work. Have you ever been confronted with business practices so completely inefficient as to be totally irrational? Once forced to put these in a flow chart, I've honestly though that perhaps no one had pointed this out to them before (since how else could this go on?!), and I might do some good by being, well, direct. But if your client can look you straight in the eye and tell you that, ok, they may keep people on hold until a third of them hang up, and yeah, they do throw 20% of all applications in a drawer (never to be looked at again), but they still believe they provide damn good customer service and don't need to change a thing... well, the hey, dumbass! approach just does not cut it. (Apparently, citing the obvious just makes them angry, and you do not want to anger people irrational enough to fax all the appointment schedules for each branch. Who the hell faxes in the new millenium?!) I'm dedicating 2006 to learning some devious persuasion techniques...
6. Send out those Christmas cards. Hey, better late than never! I bought some damn expensive cards, ok? Also, not a quitter!

See, I feel like a better person already! Love lists!

P.S. Supposedly there is some sort of 'de-lurking' week going on (and yes, I may have missed it, but have you possibly noticed I don't put much stock in deadlines? still planning to send out my CHRISTMAS cards, right)... and I am curious to see if I have any. So, even if you happened upon my site while searching for "photos women in gim", I'd like to hear from you. At the very least, I could possibly strengthen your searching techniques by suggesting the use of a dictionary first...

Birthday Birthday Go AWAY, Come Back Another DAY

Sooo... it's my birthday, and I'm chilling at home on the comfy couch with my laptop... can only be good times, right?

WRONG. I stayed home because of the WORST headcold, making me Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey and Grumpy all at once... why oh why must I resemble the dwarfs rather than the fairy tale princess on my BIRTHDAY?! Heron planned a lovely dinner tonight at a fancy-schmancy restaurant, full-on royal treatment for his princess... and I can't go. Seriously, what is the POINT if everything tastes like the same damn mush, and you are forced to ruin the effect of your lovely dress by chewing with an OPEN MOUTH for fear of asphyxiation? Because your nose is a stopped up snot factory? ARGH!!

Plus, can't just relax... since the cold hit me like a bulldozer last night, still have those damn econ problem sets to finish... of course I've had WEEKS to do so, and now I'm up against the deadline. Reading my TA's notes which contain the ANSWERS, but are completely ILLEGIBLE. God, I hate life right now...

**************************************

Ok, now that some of the cold medicine has kicked in, realize I just need to go to Starbucks for some creamy deliciousness, grab a tabloid and relax during my (free!) birthday pedicure. Realize that though these stars have much thinner thighs and snot-free noses, they are still irreparably screwed up... while I just need to wait for my body to expel the virulent pestilence, and then hit the gym. Ahhhhhh....

And as per my friend Heather's thoughtful present, I now know any girl can be a princess if she only has the right shoes:

(Thank you, Heather, for making mine.)

New Year's Photo Essay

While I sit and wait for the goddamn iPod to READ MY MIND ALREADY and play that-song-I-like-but-can't-fucking-find, I thought I'd post some pictures from our lovely New Year's Eve get-together. Unfortunately, drunk people make bad photographers, so some classic shots did not come out well, but we managed to get a few in focus...

Cindy and Mike, a.k.a. Bringers of the Mad Popular Brownies, designated as Mature Party Guests Allowed on the Nice Couch. (Tipsy Heron also included.)

Ali seated between Hot Indian Chicks.

 

Asher working his game on Hot Indian Chick no. 1...

Heron is silly! Yellow Flashy Necklace is awesome!

Ali is amused by silly Heron and other drunk party guests...

Sharon brings the Hot Frenchman. Ooh-la-la!

Cute Coworker (of Heron), her Redheaded Roommate... and a rosy-red Heron to match!

Now this? Is a classy drinking game...

Hot Indian Chicks earn cold American cash - Better Living Through Hotness!

One more... just to prove Hot Hair can only be truly achieved when you stay in... [Ensuring that the next time I go out, I will spend hours fruitlessly trying to recreate this vision... driving my poor boyfriend batty... Oh cruel, cruel world!] But dammit, the iPod is finally playing my song...